I was going through some of the random documentaries on Netflix tonight, and ended up watching one with baby sea turtles. I had taken in the correct amount of caffeine and alcohol so that when they had the inevitable scene of baby turtles running for their lives – you know, the one where hoards of birds eat them willy-nilly and large crabs abscond with baby turtles still flailing – that I had a great idea.
Someone needs to edit some footage or animate the baby sea turtle beach escape to make it look like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Instead of having the landing doors drop and soldiers are thrust either onto the beach or into water over their heads, open with the turtles bursting through their shells onto the beach. The mass then makes a run across the open terrain, with various beached flotsam acting as German anti-tank devices along the Atlantic wall. And the entrenched Germans manning that wall? Crabs with their little burrow-huts. Artillery can be played by sea birds swooping in and eating the turtles. After making it across the beach the survivors are then confronted with a cliff face, which in this feature will be played by ocean surf trying to toss the turtles inside-out.
If you do this right, and play it in enough elementary schools, you’d never have to worry about fundraising for marine sanctuaries again.